Everyone has a space around their body that is held sacred as their own territory. This is called 'personal space' and it is characterized by a zone or 'bubble' that varies for individuals and circumstances. We each have our own unwritten rules about how big our personal space is, who may enter our personal space and how close they may approach. Dominant animals and humans demand more space than the less dominant. How we guard and defend our personal space and how we approach or invade another person's space, is very revealing about our relationships, status, rank and dominance as we perceive it.
It is evident that this man is not inviting people into his personal space! The arms across his chest is a strong and frequent body language cue saying: "Don't come close!" "Stay away from me!" "I don't want to deal with any of you and especially not to get personally close!" "I just want to stay in my own little safe world."
The widely spaced feet indicate solid placement so no one can push him or move him. No one can change his mind, manipulate him, or influence him in any way. He is 'planted' right where he is, mentally and physically, and is not going to change anything in his life right now.
When two animals or humans each believe they are dominant over other and one enters the personal space of the other, that is grounds for immediate confrontation to determine who really is 'top dog'. Where the rank of each individual is clearly delineated (such as in the military where rank is clearly displayed on the uniform) there is no problem with who gets the most territory (the higher rank). This is also true in the corporate world where the higher the rank in the organization, the larger is the office, work space, parking place, etc. How much space is actually required has little to do with how much is allotted to the person.
The personal space between two people talking reveals a lot about their relationship and type of discussion. The dominant person is immediately evident by how much personal space is controlled and used. The dominant person even has the privilege of entering the less dominant person's space without their permission, but not so the other way around. At the right, notice that the man in red has his arms extended out to occupy more space toward the other man. The man in white is allowing the man in red to enter his personal space by folding his arms and thereby is occupying a smaller space. However, the man in white is bracing and holding his ground by placing his feet a bit wider for more stability. The man in red is clearly the dominant one.
The larger amount of space claimed by the rich and high status people in a community is clearly evident in their larger homes, yards, cars, garages, offices, etc. The lower in status and rank a person is, the less space they command and control in every aspect of their life. People struggling for a higher status position in their life often do so unconsciously by trying to increase their physical territory with bigger objects such as larger cars, houses, yards, etc. This need for high status may be so strong that people go into great debt to buy larger possessions in an attempt to demonstrate their higher status.
Back in the 1980's there was a research project here at EastWest Institute using hypnosis on chronically obese women to find the source of their compulsion to eat. The results were surprising! In some cases the real cause of the excess fat was an attempt to be larger, or at least appear to be 'larger than life'. There was a desire for a body size increase. Some terms used were, "I want to be seen" and "So others will not run over me."
In one case, the client was a professional woman who had a body shape like an over-weight man with large 'barrel' chest and stomach. She did not have the usual female fat placement on her hips and breasts. She stated under hypnosis that in her work she had to compete with men and wanted to appear as successful as them. She was of German descent and described how, to her, a successful man had a huge stomach and barrel chest. She even had a complimentary German phrase about successful barrel shaped men of high status. Unconsciously she was building her own body to appear high status with a barrel shaped chest and stomach. She actually grew to fit her mental image of what a successful person should look like, in spite of diets and exercise programs for years.
Zones of Comfort
Research has shown these four zones exist for most North American people:
The intimate zone for lovers and those dear to us is 1.5 feet (45 cm.) or less. [Europeans: 20-30 cms (8-12inches); Australians: 46-122 cms (18-49 inches); Japanese: 25 cms (10-11 inches)] Interestingly, at this close range not only body language is meaningful but also our unconscious sense of smell can reveal much information about the partner's mood and health. See more on the importance of pheromones in relationships and body language here.
The social zone from 1.5 feet (45 cm...) to 4 feet (120 cm...) is where we comfortably converse with friends. Interestingly, this distance is where body language can be observed very effectively.
The social zone where conversation is conducted with casual acquaintances is no closer than 4 feet (120 cm..) and out to 7 feet (360 cm..). This zone is at least two arm lengths away and therefore out of striking distance. This unconscious habit of staying a safe striking distance away from those who are not our intimate friends probably is something left over in our DNA from our ancestors millions of years ago.
The public zone where strangers and authority figures are most comfortably acknowledged is beyond about 7 feet (360 cm..). This longer distance may say something about how we unconsciously fear strangers and authority figures.
Be aware that all the zones vary slightly in different cultures. This may cause conflicts and misunderstood body language when traveling to foreign countries. Interestingly, but not surprisingly, most men tend to have a slightly more distant zone boundary with other men but not with women.
Next time you meet someone let them establish how close they stand or sit with you. This distance will clearly indicate how they feel about their relationship with you. When you are flirting or dating an important clue to how the relationship is progressing is the distance your partner chooses to sit or stand from you. Pay particular attention to both the distance and the body posture mirroring.
How to tell if you are invading someone's space.
One or more of these cues indicate discomfort with you being too close:- Rocking back in chair creating more space between you both.
- Pulling the chin into the chest and hunching of the shoulders.
- Closed eyes.
- Looking past you at others behind you.
- Tapping fingers and/or swinging leg.
- Defensive gestures like arms folded across chest.
- Attempts to move away unobtrusively.
How to tell if someone is really comfortable with you
One or more of these cues indicate the person with you likes being with you:- They are looking into your eyes as you converse with each other.
- Their body posture mirrors your body posture.
- Their eye pupil is not closed down; it is open so their pupil looks larger than normal (when you are not in bright lights).
- They do not have any defensive body gestures (like arms folded across chest).
- Their hand palms are often up and open toward you.
- There are often little head nods when they agree with what you say.
- The face is relaxed yet may often show expressions of joy and smile.
Intimate relationships are mostly about body language. Two bodies can have a wonderful and glorious unconscious relationship of touch and maneuver while at the same time mind games are going on. Just watch two young people talking and flirting and you will see their bodies often jousting, teasing and dancing with each other at the same time they are discussing some arcane subject. Most of this delightful active body language is unconscious but nonetheless is more revealing about their actual relationship than are the words they speak.
If you want to really understand the relationship between two people just study their ongoing body language.
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