Step 2 is to close the physical and emotional distance between you both so you can evaluate him. This is done mostly with body language in two phases:
- By him coming physically closer to talk to you.
- Both of you gathering personal data and finding common interests while you each evaluate the other.
You unconsciously read his body language as he walks toward you. A woman's DNA is finely tuned for watching every man's body language as he approaches her. Women have had to do this for millions of generations and make quick decisions to stick around or escape! The first and deepest instincts are to watch for signs of danger and possible sexual attack. The decision-making wisdom is in women's genes and they can detect danger a mile away by how a man moves and the look in his face and eyes. So you instinctively watch him walk toward you to see how relaxed, confident and comfortable he is in this social situation. You are unconsciously watching to see if he moves and behaves like the well socialized male is expected to be in your culture and society.
Your DNA is looking for these traits in his body language:
- Confidence and cool power as an alpha male. Posture and smooth movements tell the story. Head up, chest out and gut sucked in, plus no unnecessary arm and head movements are good signs.
- Health and aliveness. Should you two eventually mate, fifty percent of your offspring's chromosomes are going to be his. So his health is very important to your unconscious evaluation of him as a suitable mate.
- Alpha maleness. Clothes, accessories and car may give a clue. Rich is nice, but seldom happens, so stop dreaming. What you really need is someone who is capable of providing well for you and the offspring when you need support.
- Socialization. He should be comfortable and confident in this social setting. It is a sign of maturity and human true alpha maleness.
You observe he has good posture and very few extraneous body movements. It is good that he DOES NOT have a weird personalized strut or walk with arms flailing about and looking around to see who is watching him. It is good that his arms and hands are not in a protective position holding something directly in front of his stomach or chest like a shield. This open body language indicates little fear, honesty and that he is self revealing. It is especially good if he walks directly up to you with a slight smile on his face indicating, "I am friendly. I won't hurt you". His strong direct approach may even stimulate and excite you.
As he walks towards you, look at him from head to toe. If the light is right he can tell from a considerable distance that your eyes are scanning him fully. He likes that, but at that moment he will be mostly worried that you might reject him. So let a welcoming smile SLOWLY fill your face. Your smile will greatly relieve his terror of rejection by you. You will also start his hormones flowing now that he knows you are pleased to see him come closer. By the time he reaches you he will want to be jumping around with excitement like a puppy!
Check him out closely.
Let us assume now that he walks up directly in front of you. Notice if he keeps his social distance or if he invades your personal intimate space and makes you feel invaded. This check of his body language will be important to your analysis of what type of guy he is. Controlling, pushy and manipulative guys move uninvited into your personal space right away. Use caution with these guys and if you can't control them or get them to back-off, escape! You will save yourself a lot of trouble later.
About guys and their 'opening line.'
An 'opening line' is the first comment a guy makes to the woman he approaches. Most guys work hard developing an opening line. There is great fear that they will be rejected and will be made to look like a real loser or worse. This initial approach to a new woman is a terrorizing situation for a guy. At his deepest old brain limbic system level it is all about hunting, survival of his genes and proving himself as a great hunter. He feels like everyone there is watching to see how good of a hunter he is. So he does a couple of things to minimize the damage to his ego if he is not accepted or is publicly chastised for daring to approach! Here is what many guys do with their opening line:
- They try to be unique and show that they are not like all the rest of those 'dirty guys'.
- They try to be so clever that it impresses you intellectually and guarantees their acceptance.
- They try to be humorous so that if their approach to you fails, it will appear to be all in fun and there is no loss and no embarrassment.
- They try to impress you with a carefree and even rude approach with an attitude that you are not really important to them. Again, nothing lost to them if you say, "Buzz-off, Buster!"
- Some guys try to shock you so you can't even respond. Example: "Nice shoes! Let's f...!" You should escape fast from these vulgar clueless guys!
The uncountable bad opening lines used in the past all attest to the fact that this is an extremely stressful situation for a guy. At this moment the woman has the power to destroy his ego and make him look like the worst kind of loser in front of all the other men and women there. Rejection in front of everyone there is what men fear most when approaching a woman in a public place.
So if he is doing his male body language right, as he approaches he will look into your eyes and with a pleasant gentle smile, he will speak to you. No matter what his opening line is, he should essentially say who he is (his name) and that he would like to talk to you. It is a very stressful anxious moment for him until you signal your acceptance of him into your space. He needs reassurance that it is OK for him to approach you, and that he is welcome to talk to you. Don't delay in acknowledging and welcoming him. Repeat his name if he gave it to you. If he did not give you his name, ask him for it and repeat it often. That will make him really pleased and impress him with your interest in him.
Some women take advantage of this stressful moment for a man when he approaches them. They act resistive and indignant, putting him at greater stress and enjoying watching him fumble. Don't be that cruel! You have great power over him, for he is terrified that you are going to reject him in view of everyone and make him look like the worst scumbag-sleazeball on Earth. Make it easy on him and you will be half way there to making a new grateful friend. The first 4 seconds are the most important in making a good lasting impression on him. Welcome him with class and charm!
About shaking hands:
Whether to extend your hand first for a handshake depends on the culture and environment. Recently in the U.S. it has become the custom in social situations for women to follow men's rules in handshaking. That means to make sure your right hand is free to shake hands if he extends his hand. If he doesn't extend his hand, you may extend yours for a handshake, if appropriate. This will make it clear that you consider women and men to be treated and respected equally. (Depends on where you are here, but this sends a clear strong message that may scare some guys!) So if it is appropriate here, extend your hand for a handshake when you approve of him joining you. His type of hand shake can be an excellent clue for evaluation of him! Here is what to watch for in his handshake:
- If he rotates your hand so his hand is over the top of yours (his palm facing down, forcing yours to face up in his) guess how he wants his body to be in relation to yours? This is a very controlling guy and he want to "jump on your bones" right now. Watch out!
- Only the two hands equally vertical shows a sense of equality between you both. If both of you have your hands vertical, then the strength of the grip is most revealing here.
- Firm grip-- Has self-confidence. Takes care of self. Sincere.
- Weak grip-- Lack of confidence and insecure.
- Limp grip and arm-- Wimp. Needs a lot of support to get things done. Looking for a "mother".
- Swinging your hand side-to-side, instead of up and down-- Trying to disarm you for manipulation later.
- Also watch to see if he makes eye contact and smiles, at least briefly. These are two friendly good signs. You do the same.
- If his eyes disconnect immediately looking off to the left or right, he is disinterested (or afraid) in really getting to know you and investing much of his own honest self in you.
Letting him into your space and life.
Hopefully by now you have read enough of his body language to feel safe. So now you want to find out how interesting he is and if he has interests similar to yours. The talk should now center around data gathering and finding common interests. What you are really interested in, is how you each live your life in order to determine if you two have a good chance for long term compatibility -- or at least some fun together for a short time. That is your interest. Most likely all he is interested in, is how you look naked and how soon he can "climb on your bones". (Guys are wired differently, in case you haven't noticed!)
This communication process is more difficult than it appears, and it is the point where the connection between you both can abruptly break off. This may not be news to you: men don't think like women. Therefore to make the best impression on him (and maybe to even 'get through to him') you need to talk differently to him than you do to your women friends.
[NOTE: There is an interesting article explaining why women talk differently than men linked from the main page. Study it later!]
Summary so far in Step 2, Using Female Body Language in Flirting and Dating:
You have gotten his attention, given him a signal that it is safe to approach you and welcomed him into your space. Now you two must do some data gathering and find common ground on which to build a continuing relationship. Your evaluation of him will be based mostly on his body language. He will also be watching your body language, so use it to your advantage in the next steps.
OK, if he has not turned out to be a Neanderthal you are ready to move on to step 3.
| Step 1 | Step 2 | Go to Step 3. | Step 4 | Step 5 |